I think I might have a problem. I've been crying a lot. Like ALL THE TIME. I swear, the only times I don't cry is when I'm at work, eating and sleeping. And even then, just this past week, I've crossed those lines. I've been crying while I'm at work driving around, even when I'm sitting next to Buck on the couch (I don't let him notice), I've woken up at night crying, I'm crying right now, I have even been crying everyday at the GYM for the past two weeks. I'd be cycling my butt off on the stationary bike and all of a sudden get the urge to cry. I've lost 8 pounds as well, though my kick ass routine at the gym is probably the cause of that. Crying in the middle of the night, though, is a new one. I havn't done that since my emo, train-wreck teen years. I am not feeling real fatigued or tired, just weepy. I wouldn't even say I'm sad! I feel great physically and I feel beautiful and in control of what money I do have. But I have an idea of why I'm crying.
I've been reading a lot of literature concerning grief and mourning so I know all too well that we can mourn a symbolic loss just as easily as we can a physical loss. An example of a symbolic loss would be anything from losing the sense of friendship to losing your sense of femininity after a masectomy. What makes it harder is that the grief experienced is not understood socially because it's a personal symbolic loss and many people usually misinterpret the grief as someone just not handling it very well. It hit me this morning when driving home from the gym: yet again, I was crying uncontrollably and trying to sift through the reasons why in my head.
My theory: The crying really got worse after my 6 month anniversary with Buck. We didn't celebrate it or anything and to be honest I don't think he knows it's been six months, but with every monthly anniversary we have, I notice I get more weepy. This month has been by far the worst. I think the closer and longer I am with Buck, and the more comfortable I feel with him, the more I start to wonder why I had ever lasted so long with Poodle. It actually makes me mad that I've never been this happy with Poodle, yet I stayed. Even after so many years, I never felt this comfortable around him as I do with Buck. And I'm not saying I'm going to run off and marry the guy and I feel great that there has been no pressure to do so. I'm really enjoying my time with him and his family and it feels great to actually feel protected and cared for. Buck is so excited about crafting fire pits and selling them, he's been drawing up new patterns and ways to customize each fire pit, and it makes me think, Poodle was NEVER this excited about anything other than his video game. So I think I'm mourning a symbolic waste of time. About 7 months since breaking it off with Poodle, I still catch myself saying "kiss kiss" to Buck on the phone. I still pick up my phone after taking a shower at night thinking I'm going to call Buck, then realize I don't have to, he's waiting for me down stairs and not 1,500 miles away! I've actually caught myself several times wondering when I'm going to schedule my next flight, and what type of new clothes I need because it's cold in Delaware, just to realize I no longer have to schedule flights and dish out $400 every 3 to 6 months. Next year, some time in March, Buck wants to take me to Tennessee, to visit Nashville and go sight seeing, and ride trains. Did you know Poodle NEVER took me anywhere just for the hell of it? I don't know when this crying shit is going to end, I hope soon so I can get back to feeling normal.
