OxygenGirl’s Neighborhood

Today was a good day.

After work, which was spent daydreaming of things to come, I came home and spent some time with my dogs.

Cheeyo went buckwild running through the backyard.  I sat down with Paris, trying to keep her from being too active.

Somewhere within that fifteen minute time frame, I was bitten by mosquitoes.  I hate the fucking south for its bugs.  My right ring finger stung; I could feel my pulse in it, and it really hurt for a little while.

Ron came home and we spent some time together, and eventually I forgot about my finger, which is fine now.

We went by Walmart, which is always a mistake on a Saturday.  Then to the mall, to shop at Hollister and Victoria's Secret.  It occurred to me how much I've just superficially changed.  Stockton Jamie loved American Eagle jeans [size 12-14], Memphis Jamie now loves Hollister's jeans [size 9-11].  S.J. once wore a 38 B; MJ now fits into a 36 D.  I also loved Gap, but now drift towards Old Navy and Target.  Sophore years I had bleached blonde hair, most recently I've dyed my hair black, which I'm not too keen on, but that's not the point.

It's amazing to think about how many different levels of changes have occured.  Not just the mental and emotional growth, but different developing tastes.

You know, it also recently occurred to me that I do not take compliments well.  If at all.  A compliment given to me is received with a reason that denies it.

I guess as a child when you're told you're ugly and that extends well into high school, a notion of unworthiness is difficult from which to move on.

You would think after all these years I would feel differently about myself; about my mind and thought processes; and body.  And yet, I still find that I do not feel I am worthy of any type of praise.  Humble to a fault is the best way to describe me.

I just feel ugly.  I always feel like there is something wrong with me.  I mean, no one is perfect, but I've never liked myself.  I guess this is why I have a hard time believing that anyone could appreciate me for who I am...  I don't even appreciate me.

Which is a shame, because somewhere deep inside I know I am a great person.  I know I am a worthy person.

Lately I've been very thoughtful.  Maybe it's due to loneliness or stress.  But I'm just very wishful.

I wish that I could be young again.  Well, younger.  I guess young in the sense of having less responsibilities.  Less worries.

My mind has been consumed with money, bills, and responsibilities lately.  I mean, I haven't even picked up my camera lately, which in itself tells me that I'm not happy.

Ron's inability to keep a stable, well-paying job.  His lack of ability to help with our multiple bills.

MLGW ($214.98), his Chase card ($2815.10), my Chase card ($199.00), my two Citi cards ($1284.46 and $6,638.81), our Care Credit card ($971.59), Comcast ($99.42), our State Farm car insurance ($1,500.00), his PetSmart card ($519.92),  my American Eagle card ($81.08), and I think that's it.

Every day I calculate my expenses and spending.  I'm so focused on removing myself from credit that I can't even have fun with the little money I have because I just keep thinking about how it should be going to.

I'm so miserable some times.  I just wish I could revert to my 17 year-old self.  Just wishing I had more time to live.  To enjoy life.

What should I do to bring back happiness?  What?  What could possibly help this stress?

Ugh.

Anyway.  I really want to paint our house and make it respectable.  Just the other day Ron's cousin, who is somewhat snooty, commented that because we have dogs our house is dirty.  I just spent tonight rearranging our livingroom just to make it more inviting.

Once I saw Hillary and Chad's house I just knew I had to paint our home.  I've been wanting to for months.  Really, for months.  But for whatever reason, lack of motivation, lack of money, lack of energy -- it just hasn't been done.  I need to do this.  I need to paint the walls.  To renew this place, to renew my faith in this place, this relationship, myself.

Desired colors, designs, and accessories

Living room : red with a new flat screen and entertainment center, and painting wood furnishings black
Dining room : tan/coffee brown with a new rug and table cloth
Hall frame : burnt orange
Master bedroom : beige
Bathroom : ocean-themed blue
Kitchen : golden yellow or red and new cabinet knobs and fixing the drawers
Guest bedroom : lavender (and a crib one day, haha)
House exterior : Maroon with white trim

Ugh, all these ideas, but I want desperately to be productive!

A beautiful home is simply decorated and not overdone.  Overcrowdedness deflects the appeal.  Minimal furniture and furnishings is best.

After work today Ron met me at home and we cuddled while I waited for Janis to call me.

I left him dozing comfortably, and left to met her at Newk's, our favorite little cafe.  I shopped at Plato's Closet, and when she finally arrived we rushed over to Newk's, starving, and ordered our favorite Mediterranean Pizza, with a side of Chick Tortilla Soup, which is so damn good.

After Newk's, we drove to Ulta for her to find nail polish, but instead we found nothing.  I saw Holly, an old coworker and friend, who works there, and I saw her through the stacks of nail polish.  She came around the corner, and we all caught up for about an hour or so.  She's lost so much weight, and she looks great.  I'm so proud of her for turning her life around.  No more daily alcoholic nights, no more taking abuse, no more settling.  She's working, moved out of her mother's, losing weight, exercising daily, and going back to school to get into nursing.  I'm so proud of her.

After Ulta, we went to Sally's Beauty Supply, Life Way Christian Store, Old Navy, PetSmart to say hi to Jessica on a stressful afternoon, and then Target.  And then PetSmart one more time to buy some hermit crab accessories and dog shampoo.

It was a long day, but I'm really glad that I got to spend some time with my friend.  It's been so long.  Oh, and Liz made it into town safely.  Then made it to Nashville safely when she went to visit her friends who live there.

I also bought some clothes from American Eagle online.  Shame on me.  I saw some things I like.  I love leggings, big purses, lotion and lip balm.

(Possible) historical events at this point: McCain choosing his running mate, and two (so far) minor hurricanes threatening Louisiana again.

I guess it's time for an update on life as it is at the moment.

Right now I'm watching the fifth season of One Tree Hill, and I love it.  Just makes me think a little deeper when it comes to life, except maybe I don't need to be doing that.

Fiance I don't recall in any of my last posts if I said Ron had cheated on me or not.  If I haven't, surprise, he did.  It was a terrible mistake -- one that we're still working through to this day.  I love him, and I'm not sure if we'll make it just yet, but I'm positive it is worth the struggle.  I just felt really hurt, and really insecure for a long time.  I still do.  Why wasn't I enough?  I love him so much still.  He's at work tonight.

Friends My friends have really let me down as of lately.  Absent in almost every respect of my life except for a phone call here and there.  It's really disappointing, especially since they don't have to try hard to keep in touch with each other.  They see each other daily.  Therefore, there really isn't any effort to be put into their relationship.  Unlike ours, and it's proving to be detrimental.  At least to me.  I miss them.  And feel like they don't really care about me.  For example, yesterday Jess asked if I wanted to hang out with her and Jaimie tomorrow.  (Granted, she warned me she may have to cancel due to homework,) but it felt as if once Jaimie couldn't make it, that the effort to hang out with me wasn't worth it.  I had a terrible day today feeling lonely, ugh.

Work My coworkers have become my best friends lately.  Which sucks, because...  It sucks.  They're great girls, but it's sad to me that they're all I have.  Today we went shopping, and that made me feel better.  A little less like a recluse.  Ulta, Old Navy, Target, and then I went to Bath & Body Works on my own.  Sixty dollars worth of delicious body softening creams and scents.  Mmmhmmm, good.

I'm tired now.  So I'm going to bed.  Goodnight, Jamie.

It may be the Southern Comfort Jessica's boyfriend Nick fed me tonight, but I'm feeling really emotional tonight -- again.

I was feeling fine -- feeling great, in fact, because tonight I spent with a good friend and her friends just drinking, laughing, and talking.  It really was nice just to hang out.

I had a great time.  I was really sad to leave, because I have work in the morning, of course.  I hated leaving, but knew I had to leave or I'd probably wind up passing out.

And here I am again, at this same road.

Looking at friends' MySpaces and seeing comments from Courtney and Angela to people who were once just acquaintances to them, and who are now friends, apparently.  Comments back and forth, lots of them.  I just don't understand how these people could mean more to them than I could've.  How they would never comment me, ever.  And even when I tried initiating conversation, they would reply with closed-end answers, leaving nothing to comment back with.  I just don't understand how Josh could've become so close to Angela.  Watching Cotton, what?  When did that happen?

I just don't understand how I meant so little to them?  That me closing up shop on MySpace was enough to end our friendship.  Was that all it took for them to turn their backs on me, without even a WTF?  I just don't understand.

And I don't think I'll ever understand at this point.

I thought I could get over this.

And now it's been days.  It's been months, and nothing has changed.

I still feel miserable.

I still feel sad.

And something tells me that if Courtney were to take me back, that things wouldn't be better.  They wouldn't be any different, and it would be fake anyway.  So what's the point, Jamie?

Why do you think of her so often?  Why does she matter anymore?  You don't matter to her...  Move on, and accept that she has cut you out of her life, and has taken on new friends to replace the friendship you once had with her.  That's how little you meant to her.  It was just that easy.

Leaving you was...  Just.  That.  Easy.

It's true.

You can't escape hostility.  It's everywhere.

Today Temeco called me into Fred's office to confront Donna about calling Temeco a "fucking bitch."  I told the truth, that she did in fact call Temeco that, and she denied it.  Gosh, I just wanted to escape people hating me so badly!  It's the entire reason I left PetSmart, and now it's happening all over again.

Drive-thru.  It surprisingly wasn't that bad.  The people were friendly, and it was a slower day so it really helped me to adjust.  Hillary helped me move my things, and even switched out the crappy validater for my old one.

Money and credit.  My biggest Citicard is up to $6,905.99.  My second Citicard is down to $599.  The only other card I have is the one with Ron that is down to $2,699.  Maybe he'll start being able to pay it off soon.  Once I have the second Citicard paid off, I'll feel so much better, because I'll be able to start working on the larger one.  This is really important to me.  I've been attempting to pay this card down for two years now, and it's only resulting in my accruing $4k more in debt.  Hmmm, good job, Jamie.

Fashion. My tastes are still changing.  I've been looking around Wet Seal and Forever 21, and found some other pieces of clothes that I'd love to have for work and for my upcoming trip to New Orleans.

I didn't realize how much I missed dressing up for work.  Working for PetSmart for almost two years my wardrobe consisted of khakis and navy blue collared shirts.  Now I can be like the rich customers I served for so long...  I am the one coming in from work with heels, cute shirts, and dress pants.

It's such a nice feeling to feel attractive.  To feel comfortable in one's own skin.  I just wish that I had more money to pay for a new work wardrobe, but for now I would better serve myself by getting out of debt as fast as possible!

Main goal besides getting a tan this summer: REDUCE MY DEBT!!

Not thinking about anything important.  Just kind of thinking out loud, but more to myself, you know?

Shopping.  I would up ordering four shirts from CharlotteRusse.com.  They're really cute, and I can't wait for them to get here so I can blend them in to my work clothes.

Work.  Things are escalating quickly, but not meaning towards me.  Tomorrow I begin my life as a drive-thru teller, not really willingly.  But DW has made things so painful for everyone that we're hoping replacing her at the drive-thru with me will stop her bitching.  We shall see.  I'm psyched about it because the drive-thru is really face paced, whereas the lobby is slower.  In the drive-thru customers expect to be in and out, but they don't understand that there is only one operator at the window manning the station.  Oh well, I'll go in hoping for the best.  Damn, bitch!

Ron.  He gave me money today to deposit into his account.  Things are going better for us lately, and I'm happy for that.  We both deserve to be happy and doing well.  I pray for him every night, and just wish that everything was okay.

New Orleans.  I think I'm planning another trip down there, because I had so much fun with Lizzie.  It won't be anything bit.  It'll be like my last visit.  Just a weekend, but that's probably enough time to enjoy it.  Because of the heat I probably wouldn't want to be there any longer than that.  I had a lot of fun last weekend.

Kristi.  One of our coworkers abandoned us today.  After two days of no-calls and no-shows at work, her fiance called into the branch and calling our manager an asshole for firing her.  Firing her?!  What?  For reals?  That's news to us.  Basically her dream was to become a housewife and she figured if she lied to her fiance about being fired, he'd let her stay home.  I hope it's not true, but I guess only time will tell.  I found her on MySpace and just sent her a message, but she'll probably ignore it just because it's from a coworker.  You know, she was a good person, and she is a good person, but if that's true, she just made a poor decision.

Wow, turn around and it's already June.  I can't believe how quickly this last month has just flown by.  So much happened, and at the same time, it hasn't.

Ron and I celebrated our one year anniversary earlier this month.  It's finally been a year.  It feels like we've been together for so much longer than that.

My New Orleans trip was amazing, and I am so very happy that I went.  Cheeyo and I drove the mileage together and finally made it late that Saturday night.

And we went to Bourbon Street, which, I apologize to Memphis, is so much cooler than anything Beale Street has to offer.  My only drink that night was a Hand Grenade, and it was delicious.

Then we went to the aquarium the next day and it was a lot of fun.  My most favorite exhibit was the stingrays!  I love those little guys.  The last time Liz and I saw some was when we went to Sea World a couple years ago.

I love him!  They're so soft!  Anyway, after the aquarium we just relaxed, watched the Indiana Jones movie and then Liz cooked dinner for us!  Pork chops!  Yum!

The zoo was a lot of fun, too.  Then I had to start on the long drive home again, which was a little bit crazy, because I drove along with the oncoming storm, so I was pretty much stuck in it the whole way.

It was a great trip.  This week has gone along quickly, ending the month of May.  My mom's birthday was yesterday.  Happy birthday, Mom.  I sent her a few little gifts, and I just wish that we were together so we could watch Sex & the City together :[

Anyway, yesterday was really cool, too.  Janis and I drove around looking at mansions in Memphis while sipping on some smoothies from Tropical Smoothie Cafe.  Yeah, life is good.

Wish me luck for this coming week though, because work's getting tougher and tougher to tolerate.  Oh, and biggest news for me, I shredded my credit card.  Good for me!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand, I finally decided on the tattoo that I want:

My last day of freedom before I start at Regions was spent out in the sunshine.

I dragged little Paris with me.  Well, I guess I shouldn’t say dragged.  She loves the park.

It was a crowded day at Shelby Farms, but it was a little bit lonely.  It was almost like doggie high school, where everyone was in cliques.  Big dogs, water dogs, small dogs.  I let her off the leash once, but she ran away to play with the other dogs.  And kept running.  I was lucky that those dogs know how to return to their owners, or I would’ve been with one less dog at home.

We stayed at the dog park for almost an hour and then I left to exercise at another part of Shelby Farms.  We walked around the lake.  Me, listening to my iPod and her, trying to eat dead fish.  Haha, groooooooooss.  Just kidding.  She did really well walking on her leash, which usually doesn’t happen.

I had a good time and I felt very productive.  I resisted the urge to drive by McDonald’s and buy a yum-yum Medium Hazelnut Iced Coffee and drove home to make myself a peanut butter sandwich and to feed my babies.

It felt so unexplainably great to drive with my sunroof open, windows down, my baby girl in the passenger seat, ears wagging in the wind.  It felt very enthralling to be alive at that very moment in the sunshine.

I made myself dinner, did some dishes, and now I’m watching my Fourth Season of One Tree Hill.  Paris is cuddling beside me and Kasha is on the floor.  Cheeyo is...somewhere.

My cell phone skin arrived yesterday.  I love it.  It makes me feel very girly.  And looking at it, it reminds me of those Japanese red bean rice cakes.  Have you ever had one of those?  They are delicious, especially the pink ones.  I can’t find a good Asian food market around here!  I’m so disappointed.



I haven’t worked on my painting in a while, but here is a little summation of how it’s coming so far.  It’s not a lot of progress, but it’s some.  My first painting, and creating it was very relaxing.  This is over a period of three different days, not necessarily consecutive.


Man, I’m sleepy.  I mixed some Vodka with some Red Creme Soda, and ate my cheesy Hamburger Helper.  It was filling, and now I’m just waiting until a little bit later to shower and hop into bed and prepare for my big day tomorrow!

Last night Ron and I went downtown to Beale Street.

We ate at Crepe Maker, and it was really delicious.  Thank you, Ron, for dinner!  I forget what we had, but it really melted in my mouth.

Then we walked through Beale, stopping at some of the small stores that I had never been in before.

After eating and shopping, we stopped at Blockbuster where we picked out a couple of movies for me to watch.

Knocked Up.

Is amazing.

I never imagined that I would like this movie this much.  It was really funny, and I felt like the characters were real.  Like, I could know these people.

Not to mention Alan Tudyk has a small role in this movie.  Any Dodgeball fan would know him as Steve the Pirate.

The only negative part of this movie is that it made me want a baby.

Crazy, right?  The further the movie went along the more I could see myself wanting a baby.  Which is weird, because I was determined not to have kids ever.  I planned to be the girl twenty years from now that goes to her high school reunion better off for not having children, bragging about trips to Italy, Japan, and Hawaii.

Now I’m the girl who looks at her high school friends’ MySpaces in awe at their children and babies and wish that I was at a point in my life where I was financially, emotionally, mentally prepared for one.

Oh well.  First thing’s first.  Marriage.  Then a baby.  Throw school in there somewhere.  Okay, this is ridiculous.


Just know that Knocked Up proved to be a better movie than I ever could have imagined, and I recommend watching it.